Back with the Korean Blues
Weather: Rainy and hot
Mood: Mixed
Soul: Resigning
I am back in Copenhagen already longing for the hussling and buzzling sounds of Seoul. My daugther is happy and tired and so am I. This time was fun and I was ensured in continuing my search for my parents, but I will wait a bit until all the gathering impressions are dealt with. It was a good gathering, different than last time and not so much an “A-ha” experince as the first time. It was more parties and socializing and less workshops and discussions. I like the discussions and I missed the common experience we had the first time. Next time we have to mix a bit more.
When adoptees meet a dating frenzy starts. I get dizzy and a bit overwhelmed of the direct and intense dating - but I do understand the feeling of finally being in an environment where you are attractive, where people see you and not your race and where your chances for meeting the right person is higher than in our western context. But on the other side, this newfound attractiveness tends to galvanize people and especially the adopted men with a cynical attitude, that turns me totally off. I do not like people who needs to kiss 5 different people in one day because they can, I do not like hooking up with one person just to dismiss that person in the next second because somebody better looking comes by. I do not know why adoptees have a tendency to treat each other with a cruelty, I have not seen for a long time and I want to tell all of you, that you are better than that.
Guys - you do not become more attractive ore more desirable by hussling around. Girls, you are still worthy of loving - you don’t have to say yes each time. Besides from that, I hope some real love aroused.
My god, I am back in reality and back in Copenhagen!
August 17th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Why can transracials be so cruel to each other? Perhaps life has been cruel to us? I do see it a lot and I used to feel disappointed, but then I realised I have the same expectations and preconceptions that White people have of me - I should be better, I should have greater insight, be nicer. We are not nicer, in many ways our upbringing, our lives have made us more thick-skinned, made us a bit more cynic I guess. I see that transracial women can be cruel to transracial males, and I am that myself too, because I don’t find them attractive, my old racism raises inside me more when I meet men than when I meet women. I just do not find the men attractive at all and I know it has to do with my upbringing, but I can’t force myself either to kiss someone I don’t want to kiss, someone I don’t fancy just to prove something to myself or other. I don’t need to go out with someone to show I am not a racist. I don’t need to kiss anyone who offers to kiss me either to feel I am attractive, wanted, worth loving. But then I think it is not so much a transracial female thing, just a female thing. Women feel desirable when men find them attractive, even if they don’t find the man particular attractive. ‘I have one more wanting me than you.’ Well, I want to say, ‘You don’t like either of them. I like the one who likes me. Who’s the most desirable?’ But that it is to do with the way women are brought up, and then on top of that as a transracial female you feel ugly because you are not white, so I guess some overload on the kissing. Respect yourself, demand to be respected, love is not always everything as we have learned from our adoption. Love is not always enough, and sometimes love is wrong.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
I know this is controversial, but I have noticed that transracial adoptees are very selfish. Before I get kicked, I admit I am too. It was something I had difficulties with while growing up, because I thought I was being bad and wished I could be good, gentle, generous like my adoptive sister. It took me decades to realise that she was selfish too, she just does it differently and the more transracials I meet I do see the selfishness in them. All humans are selfish, it is normal, it is the way we survive. There is nothing ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ in that, otherwise we wouldn’t be here today. I do see a different sort of selfishness in transracials, but I also understand it now. I don’t criticise it, I don’t blame them, I don’t even dislike it. It is a survival tecnique. Selfishness is nothing else, and if transracials appear slightly more selfish than the norm it is perhaps because our survival is a bit harder than the majority of people around us.
What I have realised is that I prefer people who are honest about their selfishness. I can’t stand people who say, ‘I only think of others. I am a very selfless person’ because then they go off and do something totally selfish and annoying and they can’t even see it themselves. I have also realised that there is something deeply selfish about totaly unselfishness. The unselfishness my adoptive sister had was completely and utterly rooted in her selfishness. No one sees it, because she dresses it up well by being a ‘good’ person and she believes it herself, but the ironic thing is I would have more respect for her if only she could see she is selfish and it is all right.