My Seoul Spirit ìš© ì‚°

I have recently been spammed buy an anonymous Swedish person, who finds the time to send me 2 to 3 mails a day cursing about my race, my adoption and the fact that my mother rejected me. Basic line is he or she wants me to go back to Korea and that nobody wants me.

To you my dear Swedish stalker - shame on you - and on to bed with no supper - naughty you!

Thanks to all great people who made Las Vegas possible. It was great to attend and meet the international network, When I participate in events like this it makes me feel part of a huge opportunity - not just the opportunity to network or meet people, but also the opportunity to truely make a difference in peoples life - to make an opportunity for coming adoptees, for the next generation.

Sharing knowledge, sharing feelings and sharing community is a gift far bigger than Vegas is as a city. But I did enjoy the shopping and fun too.

I will be attending the mini-gathering in Las Vegas in January, facilitating a leadership workshop. Im not a gambler, but man I fear for my credit card anyway - hehe. Some Danish friends of mine and I will take a 2 day stop to LA aswell, staying at Venice Beach and do all the Hollywood things. It is going to be great.

Will you be there? I hope so, come and say hi to me

Korea Klubben Denmark has shown me the great honor of electing me as vicepresident of the organisation. I do thank you for the trust and will do my best to serve Korea Klubbens best interest. So blogging is second in the next year.

My daugther wrote a blog about her experience in Korea and it made me extremely proud. She is nuanced and loving. With her acceptance, I post it here - unfortuantely it is in Danish. But trust me, it would make you cry if you where her mother.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Seoul og jeg
Current mood: everything you can feel, at the same time.

For nylig læste jeg en bog, en bog som har vendt op og ned pÃ¥ rigtig meget af mit indre sind. Den hedder “i didn’t know who i was” og er skrevet af forskellige adopterede fra korea, til rundt omkring i verden, deriblandt min mor <3.Jeg har aldrig rigtig tænkt over det, men min morfar of - afdøde- mormor, er jo ikke mine biologiske mormor og morfar. Fordi min mor er adopteret.da jeg læste den bog, vældte ukendte følelser op i mig, ikke ukendte, men af ukendte grunde, Sorg var nok den mest tydelige, men ogsÃ¥ forundring og forstÃ¥lelse var stor. Jeg har aldrig tænkt over hvordan det mÃ¥tte være at vÃ¥gne op og vide at en stor del af en selv mangler, ens forældre. Fordi som vi alle ved, er forældre grundlaget for ens personlighed, men de gør ogsÃ¥ at man altid føler sig sikker, fordi man ved, at ligemeget hvad, sÃ¥ er der nogen derude der elsker en ubetingelses løst, ligemeget hvor Ã¥ndsvagt man opfører sig.
Og da jeg tænkte over det, kom en hel ny tanke op i mig. "Seoul er også en del af mig. Korea er en stor del af mig, en del jeg ikke kender særlig meget til" Jeg ved godt hvem mine forældre er osv.. men når jeg kigger ud over Seoul, udover Korea, kan jeg ikke lade være med at tænke "Derude et sted, sidder - måske - min rigtige mormor og morfar og de har ingen tanke om at jeg eksisterer og måske tænker de aldrig over at jeg kunne eksistere - eller gør de? Jeg fældede en tåre, en tåre for den tabte familie som jeg ikke ved om jeg gerne vil kende, endnu. På en måde har jeg lyst til at skrige op "jeg er i Seoul, jeg er her. Kom og kend mig, kom og gerne vil kende mig, kom og bliv en del af mig liv" men jeg ved ikke om det sker, fordi engang for længe siden tog de - måske kun min mormor? - et valg, det valg at efterlade et uskyldigt barn, og sende hende ud i verden uden at hun selv kendte sine rødder. Det barn var min mor, en af de første koreanske adopterede i danmark. De gav afkald på alle rettigheder til hende, og på alt hvad der senere vil tilkomme hende. Deribland min lillebror og jeg. Jeg ved at denne rejse er sværest for min mor, da der ligger mange følelser gemt bag den ydre skal, jeg også kender som min ansvarlige og "nu skal du ikke bekymre dig" mor.
Min mor tror at jeg rigtig er på sightseeing, for det er hvad jeg viser. Men ved hver eneste lidt ældre person der går på gaden forbi mig, kajeg ikke lade være med at tænke, "det kunne være min morfar eller mormor" Det her er også en rejse hvor jeg må prøve at lære, at jeg nok altid vil mangle en del af mig selv. en del som nogen af mine venner dog småt opbygger. men de vil dog aldrig kunne fylde det ud.

Jeg har ikke brug for nogen "den følelse kender jeg godt" eller "hvor er det synd for mig" kommentarer. når jeg nu tænker på min mor, forundres jeg over, at under denne lillebitte person, gemmes en meget stærk person. En person der har formået af holde hovedet højt gennem nærmest alt. Også selvom hun aldrig har haft det sted, det sted hvor man føler sig tryg og kan være sig selv mest, og hun har selv opbygget det sted for andre. Derfor betyder det ekstra meget for mig, at hun hver dag står op, smiler til mig, bærer over med min morgensurhed, kysser og krammer mig, siger hun elsker mig højere end noget andet, og arbejder fra morgen til aften, så jeg ikke behøver at få den samme barndom som hende.
min mor er en person der fortæller mig tingene lige ud. ucensoreret. Det kan godt gøre mig sur og tilbageholdende osv.. men når jeg tænker på alle de ting, omkring hendes barndom, der er tågede og censurerede og ikke sagte, så gør det mig mere glad end jeg nogensinde vil kunne skrive eller sige med ord <3.

jeg elsker dig mor

 

The IKAA event is in the radio - I am stuttering a few words in a painfully bad English. My god. Harlows Monkey is commenting.

Weather: Rainy and hot
Mood: Mixed
Soul: Resigning

I am back in Copenhagen already longing for the hussling and buzzling sounds of Seoul. My daugther is happy and tired and so am I. This time was fun and I was ensured in continuing my search for my parents, but I will wait a bit until all the gathering impressions are dealt with. It was a good gathering, different than last time and not so much an “A-ha” experince as the first time. It was more parties and socializing and less workshops and discussions. I like the discussions and I missed the common experience we had the first time. Next time we have to mix a bit more.

When adoptees meet a dating frenzy starts. I get dizzy and a bit overwhelmed of the direct and intense dating - but I do understand the feeling of finally being in an environment where you are attractive, where people see you and not your race and where your chances for meeting the right person is higher than in our western context. But on the other side, this newfound attractiveness tends to galvanize people and especially the adopted men with a cynical attitude, that turns me totally off. I do not like people who needs to kiss 5 different people in one day because they can, I do not like  hooking up with one person just to dismiss that person in the next second because somebody better looking comes by. I do not know why adoptees have a tendency to treat each other with a cruelty, I have not seen for a long time and I want to tell all of you, that you are better than that.
Guys - you do not become more attractive ore more desirable by hussling around. Girls, you are still worthy of loving - you don’t have to say yes each time. Besides from that, I hope some real love aroused.

My god, I am back in reality and back in Copenhagen!

Weather: Hot hot
Mood: Sensitive
Soul: Lonely

I long for a beloved, who will hold my sweating hand walking throught the scary alleys of Pusan, watching the old man with his swinging light bulp in the dark, smelling the overwhelming smell of fermeted cabbage and sweat. Talk in the dark and whisper secrets that make me vry and laugh and never forget the moment.

I need a sweetheart, who will sit in the cool breeze of Paris Croissant looking at the long beautiful Korean women with their sofisticated bodies and pale faces and operated big eyes and still think, I am the most beautiful woman on mother earth. Who will step into the moist look at my short legs and think sinn full thoughts.
I long for a lover, whom I can bring back to the dark love motels, swipe into the cheap rooms and lie in the beds designed for sex and hiding sins. Smell his sweat and stamina and lick the taste of Seoul from his skin. Who will caress my asian hair and kiss my nonopt eyes and find the chinkyness sexy.
I need a man who will understand my long walks through Korea, who will share my long starings into the night in order to grasp just a tiny bit of the life I never had. Who will hold my loneliness and ensure it is over.
I need a friend who will travel with me again and again and never say no. I need to share Korea with a soulmate in heart - it is time. I am done travelling alone.

Weather: Dry and hot
Mood: Laughing
Soul: smooth 

Today we hosted the soccergame for adoptees and god damn, we lost both times. I was in the cheer team and I am sure we all had a good laugh, them at me and I at me. I found we played really great but hey, u loose some and u win some.

The group dynamics is a bit tense, but it is Korea. People find biological family, people are too much together and drink too much to cope. I have seen it before and I am a part of it too. I too have tense feelings and i too make all the fails that Korea brings up in you. One day I hope to be here without all the tension and problems and next time I need to travel alone. Next time my travel will be about the last searching for my parents.

Weather: Humid and hot
Mood: Professional efficient
Soul: A bit sad

I was on a show called “Hello mom I love you” from KBS - 2 hours of adoption issues, and even though they tried to nuance the issue it still became an emotional show displaying a lot of myths and stereotypes. yes we are sad at times and we do have a grief, but it doesn’t mean we have to accept appologies from smiling tv-hosts.

The show was scripted in a way, so all we said was carefully planned, I tried to be nuanced, but failed I think. Being in Korea, dealing with Korean culture left little energy for a nuanced and elequant English.And how could I ever tell them that our grief is a private matter and yes, we do have some scars, but we are stille ressourceful and capable people who wants the respect from Koreans. How can we tell them that yes, we do want to cry but not necessarily in front of a camera live to the whole Korean people.

The gathering opened today and it is great because if I want to cry it will be with people who know me, who understand my situation and who is still able to party with me afterwards. I feel at times as the poeple of Israel, like a citizen without a country - I am the chosen one, chosen to suffer so one day I can return and sit at my own table in my own country. The gathering is our nation within the nation, the place where we decide, where we set the agenda and where we feel at home.

Adopted citizen of the United adopted state of Imaginary Anonymity (UASIA). In UASIA we are all displaced. More will follow.